Nathonius

A POEM ABOUT MASSIVE AND MUSCULAR ARMS

This is a transfer from my myspace blog. (I don't really think this way about my arms. It's a joke.)

The wells of my eyes
Were dry;
The waters of time,
Dripped away
And dry my eyes remained.
Until that day
When I first took in the mountains;
For they reminded me of my massive and muscular arms.
Before me was a lake as calm as a mirror.
My sculpted triceps twitched involuntarily,
(As if angry at being confined)
And my shirt sleeves rolled themselves up, neatly.
Was that the water or my pythons rippling?
So moving was the sight of my brawny pipes,
That, weeping, I fell on my back,
And rapidly flexed at the sun
Until it retreated behind the mountains.
The moon dared not emerge
To guide me home,
And so I made my own way,
Led by the light
Of my blazing guns.

Flightless Bird "Creeps" Its Way To Pole Humping Title

Nathonius.com Wire Reports

Bemidji, MN- In a competition normally dominated by small dogs it was the underdog, rather than a canine, that took home the title. Billings, a 2 year-old ostrich, and his trainer Tim Grass won the Golden Leg in this year's National Pole Humping Championships with a decisive 29-7 final round victory over fan favorite bull-terrier Maximilian and renowned trainer Remy Higginbotham. It was the first time in the 79 year history of the NPH Championships that a bird walked away with the title, and the first victory by a non-dog since 1985. The pro-dog crowd of 23,000 at Paul Bunyan Stadium looked on in stunned silence as the unranked and unseeded ostrich decidedly outhumped his opponent.

Billings had already made history earlier in the week when he became the first bird of any kind to qualify for the elimination round but no one, including his trainer, expected his run to last through Thursday night.
"Honestly, we didn't have a lot of expectations coming in," Grass said to reporters shortly after the award ceremony. "At the same time, I knew Billings had a lot of hump in him, and when he got going he wasn't to be denied. Once we made the field of 16, I knew we had a shot."

Indeed, Billings seemed to carry the momentum from previous matches directly into the final, where he took an early lead at the first humping pole and never looked back. Although Maximilian, 6, seemed to match the ostrich in both Vigor and Force early on, Billings was utterly dominant in the third category, "Overall Creepiness". As the match went on Billings steadily distanced himself from the bull-terrier, who appeared to be thrusting half-heartedly by the 12th and final pole.

It was a heartbreaking setback for Maximilian who as recently as 2006 was considered one of the top humpers in the nation. After failing to reach the finals in three straight seasons despite top seeding and then shockingly missing the cut in 2007, this was an opportunity for redemption.
"You'd like to think we'll be back here again, that we'll have another shot at it next year," said a dejected Higginbotham during the post-match press conference. "But you just never know. . . This one stings. We thought we could get it done and it didn't happen for us." This latest setback will likely fuel speculation that Maximilian, a naturally gifted humper who has come up short in several big matches, lacks the killer-instinct necessary to win a championship.
"I don't know what to say about that," said Higginbotham when asked about his dog's drive. "I believe he has it in him. If I didn't I wouldn't be training him. Other than that, it is what it is. People can say what they want." Higginbotham himself may be in jeopardy of losing his job as trainer, despite leading Maximilian to his first championship match. He declined to comment on his job status.
"I feel for Max and Remy," Grass said. "Any other year, they probably take this thing. But Billings was on a mission today. Today is Billings' day and I'm just proud to be along for the ride."

The Billings camp also dealt with its share of controversy. During the later rounds of the Championship scrutiny from experts, fans and even other trainers concerning Billings' Creepiness scores began to surface. One trainer, speaking on condition of anonymity, argued, "Ostriches aren't seen as frequently at major tournaments as most animals and the judges don't know how to score [Billings] for Creepiness." He added, "Are they creeped out because he's got creepy technique, or are they creeped out because he's an ostrich?" Billings set a tournament record for single category dominance winning in Creepiness at 68 out of a possible 72 poles in his 6 total matches, a remarkable 94% clip. That bested the record of Bubs McPherson; the legendary Chuhuahua took the Vigor category at 89% of his poles in 1991 on the way to the first of 6 consecutive titles. Grass acknowledged that Billings may have had an advantage in Creepiness, but downplayed it saying,
"Any competition that is scored by judges is going to have its share of controversy. All I know is I'm proud of my ostrich. Advantage or no, you still have to go out there and hump those poles, and Billings did that, and he did a damn good job of it."

In the final match Billings proved that he was far from a one-dimensional humper. Not only did he sweep all 12 poles in Creepiness, he solidly won the other categories as well, drawing winning scores 8 times in Vigor and 9 times in Force. And don't count the runner-up trainer as one of Billings' detractors.
"The Ostrich wanted it more, simple as that," Higginbotham stated. "You can talk about records, advantages, judging, what have you. But this competition is about want-to and the other animal wanted it more. We'll just try to learn from this and pick it up next season."

Contoversey or no, Billings and Grass must be applauded for employing a gameplan that emphasized the bird's natural creepiness and often seemed to catch opponents off-guard. In a sequence that seemed to sum up Billings' improbable run to glory, the ostrich humped the second Championship pole so creepily that he actually appeared to creep himself out; the bird lingered awkwardly and was slow to respond to the transition bell. Yet he was able to recover and quickly dart to the third pole, which he humped vigorously while staring directly into the eyes of the judges.
"The stare-down is a big risk, especially in a championship match," Grass admitted, "but it was Bill-bill's call and he was feeling it, so I gave him the nod. If you're gonna do it, especially on that field, the 3rd pole is the place to try it because the judges' table is right in the line of sight. He was feeling confident, so we went for it. You have to dare them to love you." And love him they did. After that gutsy stare-down the judges were especially kind to Billings, awarding him 23 of the 27 remaining points as the improbable ostrich coasted into the history books.

No More FBS (Feel free to copy & sign this message. Then please send it to someone that can make a difference.)

Dear Hollywood,

I sincerely appreciate all of the wonderful movies you make and the hard work of your actors, writers, producers, directors, designers et. al. But Hollywood, I do have a request that I need to make, and I ask that you take it seriously. You see, every time I see a falling bridge scene (FBS) in a movie, a little part of me dies. And I need you to stop. Just stop. There was a time when the FBS was suspenseful. But, just like with anything else, there comes a time when it is better to let go and that time has long since arrived. As far as Action/Adventure movies are concerned it seems as if the FBS is inserted as a matter of course; as if it is an essential element of the genre. I assure you, it is not.

Especially in the suddenly numerous Fantasy/Adventure movies I have found the falling bridge scene to be unnecessary at best, and a major annoyance at worst.
In Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, for example, Frodo, Gandalf & company are in constant danger. The inches away from death suspense, so essential to Adventure movies, is accomplished in many creative ways throughout the story. So why, in between battling a Cave Troll and fleeing from hundreds of Orcs and a Balrog, was it necessary to insert a lengthy scene in which the party navigates a crumbling bridge!? The answer, it seems, is that the FBS has somehow become an absolute necessity of the Adventure movie. How else can we justify the considerable chunk of time devoted the the FBS in Fellowship of the Ring? After all, this is a film that a) had little room to spare in squeezing Tolkein's exquisite storyline into a few short hours and b) was already fraught with suspense. A more recent Fantasy/Adventure film The Golden Compass also contains an irrelevant FBS, which failed to create any added suspense whatsoever.

Now, Hollywood, if you absolutely insist on continuing to use the FBS, or other inches away from death moments of its like (teetering on the ledge of a tall building, grasping on to a high rope, etc.) please, I beg of you, use them sparingly. And if possible connect them directly to the plot. Simply cutting and pasting them in just reminds me "HEY, YOU ARE WATCHING AN ADVENTURE MOVIE. IN CASE YOU FORGOT, HERE'S A SCENE WITH A PERILOUS BRIDGE. DO YOU THINK [insert name(s) here] WILL MAKE IT ACROSS? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!" And I just don't need that all the time, it takes me out of the story.

And while I'm on the subject of cutting and pasting, why is the Cave Troll in Harry Potter the exact same Cave Troll from Lord of the Rings? I would imagine that two different fictional worlds would yield two different looking Cave Trolls. But maybe that's just me.

Thanks very much for your consideration, Hollywood. I just felt the need to get that out there.

Affectionately Yours,