Nathonius

The Tired Rantings of a Mad, Beaverish Man (A short Play)

[BRATLEY, a very beaverish man, sits in front of an old typewriter. He wears a very tall tophat. He types rapidly, madly, as he talks to himself]

BRATLEY: Muga. Mungamunga, munga! Muggga mugga.
If the dreamer examines his pillow, why doesn't the beaver examine his DAMN
Face? Does he not see himself!?"
[The speed of BRATLEY's typing increases as he continues]

Muga, mungamunga.
There are forty five thousand thieves in the toilet.
It's high time we introduced them to MR CLEAN!!
Muga, mungamunga. Do my few remaining friends have any idea that I am beginning to resemble a beaver!?

[The speed of BRATLEY'S typing increases tenfold, nay, much more than that. Steam begins to rise from the typwriter. BRATELY begins to cry]

You silly typewriter . . .(With insane rage) LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!! NOW I MUST EXTINGUISH YOU!!! I TRUSTED YOU!!!

[BRATLEY removes his tophat and pulls a ridiculously large hammer out of it. He uses the hammer to smash a hole in the wall of his apartment building. He sticks his beaverish head through the hole in the wall and bellows to his neighbor]

Stunkus! Stunkus! Loan me your fire extinguisher!

STUNKUS [offstage] Loan me your sandals!

BRATLEY: FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!! NOW!!!

STUNKUS [walking through the hole. He is a tiny man.] Close this hole. What's wrong with you? Hey, hold on . . . is it just me or are you beginning to look like some kind of . . .

BRATLEY: What?

STUNKUS: of . . . well, you just look . . .

BRATLEY: Say it, Stunkus!

STUNKUS: You, you, you, you, you look a . . . a bit like a . . . a

BRATLEY: A BEEEEEEEAVER!!!!!??

STUNKUS: Don't come near me! You should fear me. Look at me. Look how tiny and strange I am! I'm a strange little man, Bratley. A strangle little man that puts munchkins and all other strange little scary things to shame. You should think twice before you make another hole in my wall.

BRATLEY: It's my wall too!

STUNKUS. Well, anyway, there's no fire, so I don't know why you called me over here. Watch your back, Beavis. [exits through the hole in the wall]

BRATLEY: My name is Bratley. DAMN YOU!

STUNKUS: [offstage] Yeah, I bet you WOOD like to dam me, wouldn't you, you disgusting, beaver-like weirdling! Only I'm not a river! Why don't you go and talk to your friend Mr. Mississippi!?

BRATLEY: [to himslef] Calm, calm, stay calm. I am not a werebeaver. There is no such thing. I am a man. A man and nothing else. I'm at a point in my life where my body is going though a lot of changes. I may be experiencing new emotions and feelings, and that is okay. This is perfectly healthy for a thirty-nine year old. [BRATLEY absent mindedly wanders to the fireplace, grabs a log out of it and begins nibbling on it as he continues.]
Well, well, well. Wump, lungfish . . . take a chance on the old times. That's what I say. That's what I say.
My gosh, I haven't slept for three days! Three . . . days.

[BRATLEY munches on his wooden log as the lights fade, very, very slowly, to black]

Posted by Nathonius at January 30, 2005 02:44 AM